Undateable
by FrozenStrawberries
Summary: Based on John Tucker Must Die. Sirius Black, smoldering good looks and the biggest ego at Hogwarts. What can a Slutty Slytherin, a Brainy Ravenclaw, a Popular Hufflepuff, and Head Girl Lily Evans do to stop him? Who will be 'the other Tucker?
1. Revelations

**So this was supposed to be a oneshot after I watched John Tucker Must Die the other night after finishing my exams. But it just kept going... and going...**

**_"Holy Jamalama! Kiss her again! DO IT!!!"_  
**

*******

It was official. Lily Evans was a push over.

She'd always suspected it, but now it was as clear as the new day breaking through the curtains surrounding her bed. She had always liked to think she did other people favours because she was nice, kind, and considerate. She _liked_ to think that she stuck up for people in need… but now she realized she could stick up for strangers, yet never herself.

Lily groaned, and turned to face the wall away from the light. If only blocking out her own problems was that easy.

She knew the reason for her troubles, one tall dark stranger by the name of Sirius Black. For the past previous years of school the bane of her life had been another boy entirely, but now she'd rather take a hundred doses of James Potter than face Black.

Curse her kind nature. Curse her way of seeing the good in a storm. She repeatedly beat herself up, remembering how it had all come to pass.

*******

"What have you got now?" Lily's best friend Jodie asked when she stood up.

"Transfiguration," She pulled a face, "What about you?"

"Runes. See you at lunch then?" Lily nodded at her brown haired friend and glanced over her shoulder as she left the Great Hall. There was a difference between the two friends that always struck Lily at times like these. She would have dreaded being left at the table alone, hated people looking at her. Unfortunately these looks were becoming more and more frequent due to her new Head Girl role. She suppressed a shudder, and satisfied that Jodie looked comfortable eating the rest of her breakfast alone, she trudged to Transfiguration. She dreaded the lesson, partly due to the subject, but mainly to her company.

The door swung open at her touch. Her mood sunk when she saw he was already sat in place. Lily was counting on being early; to have some time _alone_ before Potter arrived. _Stupid McGonagall and her seating plans! _

She looked at him through her hair as she slumped forward. He was lounged back in a state of complete ease. One hand was dropped down on his side, the other raking through his messy black hair (which to Lily's horror was looking surprisingly good for once).

"Morning Lily." He said cheerfully, seeing her gaze.

"Potter." She nodded quickly and ducked her head away. Any conversation they had was normally one sided, him talking and her blocking him out.

"So, listen Lily…" He began, and she forced herself to look up.

"There's this, well, there's a new band playing at the th- Three Broomsticks this weekend, a-and I was thinking maybe you might like to check it out?" His green eyes bore into her own through his thick glasses.

She sighed mentally, she didn't understand fully what it was she didn't like about James Potter. It was typical he was Head Boy, but so far this year they hadn't had many 'duties' to perform together which was a huge relief.

Some days she loathed him, and others she looked forward to their slight conversation. But that's what she hated, the way he made her feelings change. Lily knew she was stupid, blaming the poor boy for something that was obviously wrong with _her_. It thrilled and frustrated her that this messy haired boy never gave up on asking her places. It was also annoying that however nervous or dejected he appeared when he asked her out, Potter would still somehow manage the confidence to do it again in the next few days or so.

But today Lily was tired. She was still hungry from breakfast, and didn't have enough energy to reject him fully. "With who?"

"You and… well… me?" He looked at her hopefully, but then rushed on, "Most of seventh year will be there probably."

She nodded thoughtfully, "I'll ask Jodie about it." She paused but his enthusiastic gaze didn't drop, "I'll think about it." Lily didn't care if she was getting his hopes up; she was too damn tired for Transfiguration first thing!

Her luck was in, as McGonagall seemed to slacken the tight reins.

"Now I'm placing you all in groups," the bat stormed down the aisle, "in which you will all research a topic I will assign on the history of transformation. You will be given four weeks for the project, which will end with a presentation on all you have learnt."

Lily breathed a sigh of relief, four weeks with no _real_ work. She was put with a group of all girls, which delighted her. Anything to get away from Potter's hopeful glances.

She sat down at the table she was now assigned to, and looked around at the familiar faces. There was the drop dead gorgeous Silvia from Slytherin, a girl who was surprisingly nice for one of _them_. She grinned at Lily, and motioned for her to sit closer.

"Lily! It seems so long since we spoke! I've missed you since Herbology last year. Congratulations on Head Girl!"

"Thank you, it was a shock though. I still don't know why they picked me."

"Well I'm sure you'll do a great job." She flashed her pearly whites and Lily turned to inspect the rest of the group.

She recognized the Ravenclaw with brown curly hair as Cassie Kollwitz. The rest of the girls were Hufflepuffs. Their 'leader' was a black haired girl with sharp features, Michelle Parkers. She and her following were the most sought after girls in their year. They were the wizard equivalent to the Bitch Parade, or the 'popular' group. They were liked, yet despised.

The Hufflepuffs chatted and laughed loudly, showing no desire to start work on the project set. Lily glanced over to see McGonagall standing over a group of boys who had began arguing. Obviously the girls weren't high on her priority list.

"So Michelle, where did you sneak off to last night?" One girl flipped her hair and leaned forward, eager for some gossip. Lily glanced at Silvia who was inspecting her nails. Cassie looked equally bored, and was absently twirling a curl.

"That's top secret, sorry Mary."

There was chorus of "Oh no!" and "Tell us Michelle!" which the girl seemed to revel in.

"Alright _fine._ Seeing as you all dragged it out of me, but you better promise not to tell anyone!"

Lily watched them nod frantically out of the corner of her eye.

"I went to meet Sirius Black." She smirked at the gasps they all gave her.

"What did you say?" Silvia's head snapped up to glare at the Hufflepuff.

Michelle raised an eyebrow, "I don't think I was talking to you."

"You met Sirius last night?" Cassie's voice piped up from the corner. Her eyebrows had snapped together.

"I don't see what it's got to do with you but yes I did." Michelle retorted rudely.

"But why would he meet you?" Cassie continued, a hint of scorn in her voice.

"Maybe because I'm his girlfriend." The black haired girl smiled smugly.

"WHAT?!" Lily almost fell out of her seat in shock as the Slytherin and Ravenclaw girls both screeched in unison.

"Well, not officially, he says he doesn't want people to know about us because he wants to keep it our special secret." Her smile only widened. Lily tried desperately to control the urge to retch.

"But he can't be going out with you!"

"And why not?"

"Because he's going out with me!" Cassie stated, her face flushed red in anger.

Silvia's gaze switched to the Ravenclaw. "That's not possible." She laughed.

"Why is that so hard believe?" Cassie shot back.

"Because everyone knows that I've been seeing Sirius for the past month!"

Lily's head was beginning to hurt.

"You are both so delusional!" Michelle had her group backing her up with enough death glares to kill an army.

"What makes you so special?" Silvia laughed again.

"Well he'd hardly go out with a _slut_ never mind a _Slytherin_."

"Oh, like you don't get it on. Everyone knows your little huff and puff reputation."

"I don't understand why he would be with either of you!" Cassie got involved again.

"Oh yes, he just _loves_ the Little Miss Perfect types!" Michelle sneered in her face.

"For your information-"

"SHUT UP!" Lily jumped at her own voice yelling over the top of these three girls.

They all turned to look at her slowly.

"What was that, _Head Girl_?" Michelle asked mockingly.

"Why are you all fighting with each other? You've just all found out what a liar and a sneak Black is, yet you rip on _each other?_" Lily stared at them all incredulously.

Silvia snorted and leaned back in her chair. "Whatever. I'm sure these girls have just misunderstood him. He's probably flirted with them once or twice and now they've built up this whole story."

"What makes you so sure?" Cassie glared. "He could have easily been playing all of us."

Michelle's shoulders dropped suddenly. "He's been playing me?"

Silvia shook her head defiantly, "No, Sirius wouldn't do that to me."

"Silvia," Lily put a hand on her shoulder and spoke gently, "why other reason wouldn't he want it to be public knowledge that you were together?"

Her blue eyes snapped to the red head and they were filled with a burning misery; a flame of anger cooled by tears. "But I was so _sure_ he was genuine." Her voice cracked slightly.

"I heard stories about him, but I never thought they were true." Cassie sighed.

Lily stared at the girls in a sort of awe. They had managed to swing from anger to misery in less than two seconds. Silvia seemed the most upset, Michelle still looked pretty pissed off, but Cassie as the smartest had accepted it quickly.

Silence settled over the group of girls. Then Silvia stood up suddenly, shaking her head. "I don't believe this. I won't believe this." She stormed out of the classroom, grabbing her books off the table, oblivious to the calls of McGonagall.

She found her way to the Slytherin Common Room before she broke down, letting hot tears stream down her face. Silvia allowed herself five minutes of weakness before wiping away the evidence and reapplying makeup with a quick flourish.

She stayed in the common room until a few other Slytherins came in to get books they had forgotten for the next period. The blonde haired girl gave herself a quick look over in the mirror. She checked her skirt length, untangled her hair, and grinned at her reflection.

Hurrying out of the room, she went to the library for her free period before lunch. She took a deep breath before walking in, knowing who she would find sitting on the back table in the left corner. This was the only time during the day that they had together, apart from lunch. She fixed her best smile firmly in place when he waved her over.

Sirius Black was the type of boy girls' fall head over heels for. And damn, did they fall in their hundreds. He was confident, his smile could sweep even the most uptight girl off her feet. He was handsome, not boyish, but more rugged. There was always a hint of danger in the atmosphere when he was around.

He was surrounded by admires all the time who thought he could do no wrong. So wrong was exactly what he did. From pranks to breaking hearts, his smouldering eyes and keen mind did the job. Sirius was famed for his looks, deep but mischievous eyes stared out at Silvia from under a mass of straight black hair that lay perfectly. The Slytherin girl's smile wavered slightly as she caught sight of his toned arms; his shirt sleeves pushed up to his elbows. His tie was loose and the top buttons undone to give off the typical 'rebel without a cause' look.

"Hey sweetie." His dulcet tones usually made her melt, but today she had hardened herself to his charm.

"Hi Sirius." Her fake smile widened as she sat down next to him, pulling out her books before leaning in to give him a kiss. She pulled back quickly to tease him, and smirked when she saw his eyes where still closed, waiting for more. But he would be waiting a long time.

They talked of meaningless things, all the while Silvia considered her yelling match from earlier. Could he really be capable of such things? And if he was, could she really let him go? She'd been with boys before, but none had made her thrill as much as Mr Black.

"Sirius," she began, "why can't we tell people about us?"

"Sweetie, we've been over this." He sighed and leaned in towards her. She fought the urge to slide away. "Would you _like_ everyone knowing? Being put in the spotlight like that? Not to mention how much my friends would rip us if we were ever around together. Don't you see how much _easier_ it is for us now?" He placed a hand under her chin and looked at her. "You know how I feel about you, and we both know that we are together. Isn't that enough?" He leaned in and kissed her lightly.

"I suppose." Silvia managed to say when he had pulled away.

"Good." He smirked, "It will be our special secret."

Something clicked in her mind, those words, she had heard them before…

Michelle. He had said the same to Michelle Parker, that stupid Hufflepuff. Silvia was not one to be made a fool out of, and something inside her snapped.

"Did you say that to Michelle too last night? When you snuck out to meet her?" Her face twisted up in pain and hatred as she realized the truth. She could see the shock in his eyes even though the light in the library was poor.

"Who?"

"What about Cassie? That nice little Ravenclaw girl? Did you sit here and tell her the exact same thing? Did you hold her and tell her she was the only one you wanted?"

"Sweetie-"

"Don't you sweetie me! I've taken had enough of your crap Black." She spat his last name out, her throat tightening in fury.

"I don't know what you're talking about sweetie, but are you saying you don't trust me?" He stared at her, and Silvia's heart sunk. What if she had been wrong? What if they were all lying and here she was, ruining her chances with Sirius?

But then a thought flashed across her mind, fleeting and taunting.

"You say I know how you feel. But you've never actually told me. So Sirius, how _do_ you feel about me?"

"Well at the moment I'm disappointed with you! I thought we really had something. But without trust," He shrugged, "I don't think I can be with someone who doesn't trust me. I'm sorry." But his face showed no sorrow, no regret. His mouth was twisted into a fake frown, but his eyes still showed the initial shock of being caught out.

Silvia couldn't form words to express her rage so she lifted up one perfectly manicured hand and slapped him with all the force she could muster. The she grabbed her books with one hand and spun around, walking away from the perfect boy she had pinned all her hopes on.

Through blurred eyes she found an empty aisle. She sat down by the wall, and picked up a book pretending to read the back of it.

_"Creatures__ of the night is a thrilling read, showing you exotic real animals which many have never heard of…"_

But she could not keep herself distracted for long. The tears overflowed and her gut felt like it had fallen to the floor. Silvia didn't realise how long she had sat there silently before she heard movement from the other end of the bookcase. It must have been forty five minutes or more, long enough for the Library to get busy. She hurriedly wiped her eyes on the back of her hand, and took a shuddering breath.

"Hello? Are you okay down there?"

She risked a glance to see the speaker, praying that the dim light hid her red eyes. But the person was facing away from the light and she couldn't make out who it was.

"Yes, I-I'm fine." But her voice cracked, giving her away. She mentally kicked herself.

"No you're not." The voice was soft, but defiantly masculine. He walked towards her and crouched down, leaning to look into her face.

The light had shifted, and she could make out the muddy blonde colour of his hair, the concern in his eyes, and the curved shape of his nose. Silvia gave herself another mental beating. It was one of _his_ friends. She couldn't place his name at the moment, but Silvia had defiantly seen him hanging around with that prick on more than one occasion.

"I am, really." She chocked out.

"Okay, so you're either in denial or just don't want to talk about it." He smiled wirily. "And to be honest I'm not great on the whole comfort thing."

She laughed unexpectedly, "N-Neither am I. I can listen to problems, but I can't offer any advice."

"Exactly." He sat on the floor next to her properly. "So, I know you're a seventh year, but I'm sorry to say I don't know your name."

"Silvia. I'm in Slytherin." She smiled, gaining control over her emotions at last.

"Nice to meet you Silvia, even if it odd circumstances. I'm Remus." The blonde haired girl wanted the earth to open up and swallow her. Not only was he one of _its_ friends, he was one of its _best_ friends. One of the chosen few in their stupid 'Marauders' group. Silvia always thought it was stupid to give themselves names, maybe it was funny in first year, but in seventh year it was just immature and stupid.

She couldn't muster a reply, so just nodded.

"So, is there anyone you want me to get for you? Or are you having fun here reading…" He picked up her book and let out a short laugh, "_Creatures of the Night; the complete guide to any unsolved mysteries and things that go bump in the night._ Really?" Remus cocked an eyebrow and Silvia couldn't help but smile back.

"No, I just got it as a distraction." She thought about his other offer for a moment. "Do you know Lily Evans, the Head Girl?"

He rolled his eyes and laughed, "Boy, do I know her? That's a tough one." His joke was lost on Silvia who just stared at him like he was slightly mad. "Yes, I saw her a minute ago actually. She was sitting with that smart Cassie Kolewitz girl and Michelle in Hufflepuff.."

Silvia grimaced, unsure whether that was a good group of people to go and find in her current state. But she had decided her plan of action while sitting crying. It was something she rarely did, and if Sirius had made her sob, he would pay. Somehow, someway, he would pay.

"Do you know where they were sitting?"

He nodded, "They were by the Histories of Magic section."

"Okay, thank you Remus." She managed to get to her feet gracefully, and smoothed down her skirt. He stood up slowly as well.

She was about to walk away when she looked up at him, and up, and up. She caught him looking at her worryingly. "You sure you're okay Silvia?"

"Positive." She smiled sweetly, touched by his kindness. "Oh, Remus, has my mascara smudged?" She looked up to the ceiling.

"What?"

"Are there black lines all down my face?" _Poor boy_, she thought, _I must have given him the shock of his life._

"Oh, err no?"

"Great." She smiled, "Sorry, I don't want to go around looking a wreck all day. Oh and Remus?"

"Yes?"

"You won't… you won't tell anyone about this will you?"

"Of course not. As long as you don't tell on me."

It was Silvia's turn to be confused, "What?"

He lifted a book up that he had taken off the shelf, it was entitled _One Hundred Ways to Sabotage in the Dark._

Typical Marauder. "If I hear anything, I'll keep my mouth shut." She assured him.

She didn't know why she was smiling to herself as she made her way to the other end of the Library. The girls were easy enough to find, she just had to follow the sound of Michelle and Cassie arguing.

They stopped when she sat down next to Lily, who gave her a tentative smile.

"Sirius and I broke up." She declared to the two glaring girls.

"So did we." Cassie sighed.

"I'd like to make it clear that _I_ broke up with _him_." Michelle stated haughtily.

"Really? You all did?" Lily was shocked.

"When did you do it?" Silvia frowned, but she wasn't surprised.

Cassie spoke first, "After Transfiguration he was waiting outside, so I didn't exactly delay it."

"He found me about half an hour ago." Michelle sniffed lightly, and Lily fought the urge to roll her eyes. "He said it would be better if we were friends, and I wasn't going to grovel like some toad at his feet."

"I told him what I thought of him, and he said we couldn't have a relationship without trust. So I slapped him." Silvia shrugged, "He fed me that same line of a 'special secret' that he gave Michelle."

"I can't believe people can be like that." Lily shook her head. "He really should be shot or something." The other girls were all slightly taken aback by her aggressive tone.

"Lily!" Cassie teased, "What kind of Head Girl are you?"

"No! I like this new Head Girl wrath." Michelle laughed.

Silvia on the other hand was stunned. Here were four girls from each of the four houses seemingly getting along. It made no sense.

"We should get him back though. We can't be treated like this." She muttered.

Michelle shook her head, "Typical Slytherin, always about the _revenge_."

"Well excuse me for not wanting to be hurt! And not wanting _other girls_ to suffer the same as us!"

"Hey! Fighting won't help." Lily sighed, trying to be the peacekeeper.

"What do you have in mind Silvia?" The Ravenclaw girl leaned in, eyes lit up with a glint of mischief.

"It would have to be good, something to really hurt him. He is the 'king of pranks' after all."

"He probably knows every trick in the book." Cassie agreed.

"Well whatever it is, count me in." Michelle propped her head up on her elbow. "I'm sick of people thinking I'm some superficial stuck up girl who has no feelings. I do _want_ a nice relationship."

Cassie and Silvia nodded, and the three of them turned to stare at the Head Girl.

"Wait…" She begun, "I don't even know him. I'm not really involved in any of this."

"But you've got a cool head Lily!" Silvia begged, "You stop us all from arguing with each other. You said he deserves some sort of payback."

"What do you suggest? Like Cassie said, he'll know the counters to every stunt we pull."

"Which is why," Silvia let slip an evil smirk, "we hit him where it really hurts. He can laugh off embarrassment; he has friends around him to support him. We need to take out his loving and adoring public." She waved an arm around her at girls sat at various tables, then lowered her voice. "We take away his fan girls, his ego deflates, and with any luck everyone sees him for what he truly is."

"But _how_?"

"… I haven't thought of that yet." The other three girls groaned. "But we have four weeks come up with an idea."

"Why four weeks?" Michelle asked.

"Because that's how long we have to work on the Transfiguration work, and if we start hanging around together after then its going to look odd." Cassie supplied.

"Exactly." Silvia nodded.

"But as of yet, we have no idea how to get back at him." Lily sighed.

"But come on, we have the intelligent Ravenclaw, the courageous Griffindor, the popular Hufflepuff, and the evil Slytherin. How can we fail?" Michelle piped up.

"I prefer the term _determined_ actually." Silvia muttered.

Cassie suppressed her laughter badly.

"So we're decided?" the Slytherin girl asked.

"I'm in." Cassie nodded.

"Me too." Michelle raised her eyebrows at Lily, and she found herself the focus of all the girls' attention once more.

"Fine." She sighed, "But nothing that will involve me loosing this." She gestured to her Head Girl badge.

"Don't worry Head Girl," Michelle smirked, "That will come in very useful to us I'm sure."

********

**Let me know what you think, whether it's worth continuing? **


	2. Hell Hath No Fury

**Bit of a filler, things will definatly pick up pace soon. This weekend I'm going to work on it, promise!**

*****  
**

Lily ate lunch with Jodie, telling her in hushed tones all about her dramatic morning. She could hardly believe how quickly her dull day had turned into one full of chaos, tears, and revelations. And now she was wrapped up in some sort of crazy vendetta against a boy she hardly knew all because of the three scorned girls.

Jodie leaned back with her eyes wide once the story was over. "Wow. Though I'm glad this happened."

"What do you mean?"

"Sirius is a total operator! Look at him!" She jerked her head to her left, and Lily peered around to see the boy in question mucking around, chucking bread instead of actually eating it with three other boys. Potter was one, and she knew Remus Lupin from her prefect duties last year. He was in some of her classes, and she'd been partners with him a few times. Lily felt she knew him well enough to give him the label of intelligent with a sense of humour. The last of the four was a smaller blonde haired boy who cringed every time Sirius feinted towards him. To be honest, they all looked like typical immature boys, and Black did not appear scheming.

Lily turned back to her friend and frowned. "I still don't understand."

Jodie sighed and leaned closer to prevent unwelcome eavesdroppers. "He goes out with girls in different houses so that they hardly ever talk to each other, let alone become friends. But what happened this morning showed he never intended to tell any of them. He just uses girls." She shook her head in disgust.

"And now they want to get back at him for it." Lily sighed. "I'm not so sure if that's a good idea."

"What are you talking about?" Jodie's voice raised an octave. "It's a brilliant idea!! Finding out about this has made me see him in a completely different light. Everyone around here practically worships him, it's sickening."

"Really?"

"Yes! Lily you have to help those girls!"

"I guess…" She still wasn't sure, but it was always good to have her trusted friend's opinion. She stared down the end of the table and saw Sirius laugh at something Potter had done. There was some sort of filmy custard splattered all over his glasses, and Lily stifled a laugh at his comical expression.

"Oh, Jodie? Potter asked me out again."

"What excuse did you give him this time?"

"I… well… I didn't. Not yet anyway."

Her friend's eyes widened, "What?!"

"His offer sounded good this time! He said a band is playing down in the Three Broomsticks, and I thought you might actually want to go?"

"Oh my gosh, I completely forgot about it! I overheard people talking about that in Runes, it's Double Trouble! I've loved them _forever_!"

"So you want to go?"

"Defiantly! But what will you tell James? You can't exactly go with him _and_ me?"

Lily saw her perfect excuse unfold in front of her. "Exactly! I'll tell him I'll see him there, talk to him a little, but stay with you the whole time. That way it won't be like a date at all! Oh Jodie you are brilliant!!"

"I know, but I think you came up with that by yourself."

They both laughed, and began discussing what to wear at the weekend when a white paper bird came flying at top speed towards Lily. It crashed into her head, and lay crumpled on the table by her plate.

"Who's that from?" Jodie asked while stuffing her face with cake.

Lily unfolded the note and found it blank. Then letters became forming rapidly on the parchment, _For the Griffin, Raven, and Snake. I've got an idea about Project Blackmail. Meet in the Library in our spot this afternoon before dinner. Love Dragon._

Lily stared at the note in confusion. Who was Dragon? She looked up and passed the note to Jodie who hurriedly swallowed her cake.

"Dragon? Oh like Puff the magic Dragon?! I get it."

"You do?"

Jodie rolled her eyes, "Lily you are silly sometimes. Project Blackmail," she snorted, "that's a rubbish code."

"Yeah. Anyway, we'd better get to our next class. Come on fatty. There will be plenty more food at dinner." She dragged her friend away from a second serving of cake.

As they left, the red head crumpled up the note, groaning internally. She had wanted a quiet year, and now she had somehow been thrust into this plot to unravel the most arrogant boy in school. She sighed for the umpteenth time that hour, it would never work.

***

"I have the best idea." Michelle declared to the three girls rather loudly in the library.

"Yes, we did gather that." Cassie rolled her eyes.

Silvia frowned. "Yes, but why am I a snake?"

"Yeah, you do know that the sign for Ravenclaw is an eagle, not a raven right?"

"Girls! Let Michelle just tell us her idea!" Lily interrupted their criticism, seeing the Hufflepuff's eyes darken with rage. To her immense surprise they stopped and Lily smiled inwardly, maybe the Head Girl thing _did_ have its advantages after all.

"Thank you Lily. So, when I was walking to lunch earlier I saw Sirius talking to some Gryffindor in the year below us and I realized just how _easy_ it would be for him to get another girl."

Cassie nodded in agreement, "He was flirting with Flo all through Potions after lunch. It was sickening. I just wanted to run over and slap him."

Lily's eyebrows shot up, partly in shock at the boy and partly in shock at the girl sitting in front of her. "_Already?_ But he only broke up with you all today!"

"That's what he's like Lily." Michelle shrugged.

Silvia folded her arms across her chest and leant backwards, "Flo in Hufflepuff? That girl is such a-"

"Not the time!" Lily shot the Slytherin a look. "So what's the plan Michelle?"

"Yes, so _anyway_, I believe I know what we can do to get back at him. We need to get even right? So we humiliate him."

Silvia nodded eagerly, "I like humiliation. But how?"

Michelle smirked, "I believe I have started the ball rolling, I started a slight rumor mill."

"Like what?" Cassie asked, leaning in.

"Let's just say his… reputation in bed will no longer be positive."

Silvia snorted, "And you call me the slut!"

"Well what else do you suggest?" Michelle snapped.

The red head felt like banging her head against the table. "Really Michelle, is that the right way to go about this?"

"Lily, we have to do _something_!"

"But surely we don't have to stoop that low!"

"Lily's right." Cassie said, "We need to get even, not act like psycho ex girlfriends."

There was silence as the words sunk in. Then Cassie's face lit up.

"Oh! I know. We need to humiliate him right?" A twisted smile played across her lips. "I'll be right back."

She stood up and walked away from their table and Lily started at Silvia.

"Why does no one discuss their ideas _before_ putting them in action?"

She got no reply, because Cassie appeared suddenly from behind with a rather large book which she slammed down on the desk. The loud noise caused a few cautious looks to be thrown in their direction.

"I found this a few nights ago when I was doing some light reading."

"You call this light?!" Michelle ran her finger across the large spine.

"It's all about how to get _magical_ revenge on things that have scorned you." She continued, ignoring Michelle. "And if you look…"

Silvia flicked to the contents page and read aloud to the rest of the group, "Ways to make a faulty quill obey. How to stop an unnecessary coo-coo clock…" She looked back up at Cassie. "How exactly does this relate to Black?"

The intelligent girl dragged the large book back towards her, "I was getting to that! Look, at the back someone has slotted in some notes. I initially thought that they had defaced the book which was awful, but they've added their own pages on how to deal with _people_."

"Really?" All three girls were intrigued.

"Look," Cassie turned to the right page, and sure enough someone had scribbled in rough handwriting, "_Twenty__ Five Ways to Get Revenge- to be used with caution, not all points will give the desired effect and some have been known to adversely effect the caster."_

Cassie paused and glanced up through her brown hair to see three pairs of eyes staring intently at her, "So what do you think?"

"Read the first couple out." Michelle encouraged.

"_The first step to revenge is to remember to never undermine your opponent. And remember, __revenge is healthy. Don't listen to those maggot mouths who tell you otherwise. You're teaching people to behave better. At the same time you're getting icky poisonous feelings out of your system once and for all. What could be healthier?_

_One. Work in the open. By hiding in shadows your target will be alert that someone is out to get them. Lull them into a false sense of security._

_Two. Undermine your opponent's confidence. Many Wizards or Witches are too pompous to consider being attacked from simple angles, there are very simple Muggle methods which do not involve magic. For example, you can dye their hair without using a face perfection spell."_

Cassie looked up again as Lily laughed loudly. "What is it?"

Their head girl continued laughing, and finally breathed out, "Muggle is my specialty. Girls, I've got an idea."

***

"Lily, you're sure about this?!"

The Head Girl was shocked at how involved she had gotten. She wasn't even a scorned ex girlfriend, but for some reason she had thrust herself into their planning. Silvia loved her idea, as did Michelle, but Cassie was wary.

"Trust me Cassie; I've done this with my sister many times before."

"Really?"

"Yes, even Muggles like to make potions you know."

The four girls had spent the evening plotting and discussing Lily's idea to the full. It all depended on Sirius being one of those pompous wizards, and not being suspicious of a surprise package, and certainly not checking for some muggle trick.

"Okay girls, see you later, remember don't show _any_ reactions." Silvia warned as they neared the Great Hall. It was time for breakfast, and the four girls had met early in the Owlery to ensure their package would be delivered with the morning post. They began to dissipate as a crowd of students appeared. Michelle blended into a group of Hufflepuffs easily, Cassie threw Lily a last worried look before storming forward, and Lily slowed her pace while Silvia drifted off.

The red head sat down neatly next to Jodie, who eyed her suspiciously.

"Where were you last night? And all this morning for that matter!"

"Blackmail business." Lily replied quietly, reaching for a buttered roll.

"So you decided to help them?"

Lily just nodded, unable to reply with a mouthful of bread.

"Oh, post is here." Jodie looked up and Lily's stomach twisted with anticipation as she saw one drop a large brown parcel onto Sirius's plate. She risked a glance at Silvia who sat across the room. She mouthed _don't look! _and then turned back to her own group of friends.

"So what were you up to?" Jodie pressed as Lily watched four boys out of the corner of her eye.

"Shh! I'm trying to hear."

"Hear what?"

"Hear _them._" She hissed.

Jodie was instantly silent, and stared intently at her plate, obviously listening as well. Lily's friend was much better at subtly than her.

"What is it Sirius?" She heard Potter ask.

"Rip it!" Remus chanted enthusiastically.

"Who's it from?" Peter peered closely.

"Do I look like I know anymore than you losers?!" Sirius replied, and there was a sound of tearing paper. "What the…?"

An echo of laughter reached Lily's ears, and she quickly peeked to see three boys laughing at a very perplexed looking Sirius holding a glass shampoo bottle.

"Look, there's a card. _Because it's been looking slightly greasy lately._" Remus read out.

"That's all it says? Let me see." Sirius reached out and snatched the small piece of parchment, searching the scrap for non-existent information.

"Maybe it's a love potion?" Potter scoffed. "Another to add to the pile."

"It's not like he _needs_ them." Remus joined in.

"Mooney, can you check it?" Sirius sighed, giving into their taunting.

"Sure lover boy." He waved his wand quickly over the bottle, and Lily went cold. The problem now wasn't Sirius, it was Remus! He was equally as clever as Lily, and maybe much broader minded.

"Nope, looks normal to me." The knot in Lily's stomach quickly loosened.

"Maybe someone is just being helpful for once. You do kind of need a wash Padfoot." Potter wrinkled his nose and took the shampoo from Lupin to chuck it into Sirius's face.

He caught the bottle with ease. "Okay, well maybe it was from someone _normal_. I ran out of my shampoo the other day." He flipped the top open and gave it a sniff. "It smells alright."

"Can you go use it now? You're putting me off my food."

"Yeah, I've got a free now I think. See you bad boys later." Sirius reached across as he got up, ruffling Potter's hair and knocking his glasses off.

As soon as the Black boy was gone from the room Lily turned around so she could see the Hufflepuff table. Michelle was smirking, but didn't look at her. Over at the Ravenclaw table Cassie looked surprised that the plan had worked so easily.

"So what was that about?" Jodie began pestering Lily again.

The red head grinned widely; proud that her simple plan had gone smoothly. Now they just had to wait for the results.

*******

**What are they going to do to Sirius?!**

**Thoughts guys? :)  
**


	3. Sabotage

_**"We give him herpes, and they give him an award!"**_

**Here's Chap 3. Enjoy!  
**

****

"Have you seen Sirius Black this morning?!"

"I know! What on earth happened to his _hair_?"

"It looks like he's got some sort of disease."

"That wouldn't be surprising. He's probably picked something up off all those girls he's been with."

"I heard he's not even good at _it_ though! So why do so many girls throw themselves at him?"

"Well he _is_ insanely hot."

"Yeah. Like a Greek God."

Silvia had heard the twittering voices of girls and boys alike for the past few hours as she milled around between lessons. The news had spread like wildfire around the school. She waltzed happily to Herbology that morning eager to see Lily and discuss their success.

She arrived a little later than she anticipated, and had to squeeze through disgruntled Gryffindors to reach the red headed girl.

"Have you seen it?" She practically sung in Lily's ear.

The other girl smiled smugly, "You're welcome."

"Lily, that plan was _genius_! What is that Muggle product called again?"

"Its hair removal cream, it comes in loads of different brands."

"Excellent! I saw Sirius in the corridor earlier and he looked _really_ awful!" She laughed happily. "His head was all patchy and I _swear-_"

The rest of what she said was cut off however, by a loud bang. The students turned towards the back wall as a group, staring at the four boys who now stood in the open doorway.

"Sorry we're late Professor." James Potter was grinning a wonky smile, his glasses slightly askew on his nose. "We were sorting out Sirius's little…ah… _problem_." At this he, Lupin and Pettigrew began stifling laughter while Black glared at them.

"Hurry up boys!" The old Professor snapped angrily.

Lily and Silvia both gawped at Sirius's head.

His head was full of luscious straight black hair.

Hair that they had attempted to remove for at least three weeks.

Silvia swore under her breath. "I don't believe it! That's so typical! We should have known he'd get it back somehow!"

"Well, now Mr Black has got a full head of hair again, will you kindly let me get on with the lesson? Today we will be exploring the properties of the Flimsy Tree root…"

Both angry with their failed plot, Silvia and Lily muttered to each other for the remainder of the class. Silvia formed a stick figure out of their Flimsy Tree root, and they used their dissecting knives to mime stabbing Sirius Black.

"So how did you get it to grow back?" A Slytherin girl hovered at James and Sirius's desk while they attempted to dissect their own root.

"It wasn't that hard. Someone had just slipped some muggle hair remover product into the shampoo." Sirius proclaimed loftily. Silvia grumbled moodily.

"It was pretty amateur stuff. Something we did in first year right?" James added.

"Yeah, poor Peter. He didn't let that go for _ages_." Sirius laughed.

Lily created another figure for Potter and stabbed it repeatedly. "I'll give him amateur!" She hissed through gritted teeth.

Silvia gave her a sympathetic smile. "We'll just have to think of something better next time."

"Next time?! Doesn't this prove it? We can't _do_ anything meaningful! They know how to reverse or undo anything we try!"

"Come on Lily, don't give up! We'll think of something!" Siliva pleaded.

Lily was about to retort when that Slytherin girl's voice drifted over. "So, it wasn't like some disease or something? You don't have a… you know… _problem_?"

"WHAT?!" Sirius screeched over the loud laughter of James.

"Well, there have been all sorts of stories."

"No. No, I'm perfectly normal."

"Good, because I was wondering if…"

The rest of the girl's sentence was lost as Silvia nudged Lily in the ribs, hard. "See! Things _are_ getting through! It's going to be slow work, but slowly we can demolish his reputation and he will no longer be so _smug_." She raised the knife with a fist, and brought it savagely down on the Root-Sirius.

Lily glanced at Silvia and saw a bright twinkle in her eyes. She was apparently enjoying the whole experience. And Lily? Well, she couldn't say that she disliked getting back at Sirius.

"Okay, I'm still in." She sighed.

"Excellent!" The bell rang and the students began to gather up their things. "If you see Cassie or Michelle, tell them to meet in the Library after dinner again tonight. We won't give up!"

Lily nodded and just as they disappeared out the door their stupid Professor yelled out, "Homework! I want ten uses of Flimsy Tree root for next lesson!"

Silvia groaned as she left the room, and waved quickly to Lily.

Her earlier happy mood had completely sizzled out, and she stared at the Black boy swaggering in front of her further up the corridor.

Still bitter from his earlier insults and cocky remarks, she hid her wand up her sleeve, pointed it at his bag and muttered, "_Diffindo" _

"Oh WHAT!!" She smiled as his bag ripped, making parchment, quills, and ink come spilling out of the hole.

"Sirius, you are having the worst day today." Remus laughed next to him. Silvia slowed her pace so she could watch the mad Black huff and try to stuff his belongings back into the broken bag.

"Moony, I actually am! First my hair, then everyone thinks I'm _diseased_ and now this! Oh no, look! My ink bottle smashed all over the map!"

"Why on earth did you bring it out of the dorm!" Remus rushed over to help his friend, grabbing an old piece of parchment from the mess. He waved his wand over it and the stains dissolved. Silvia silently cursed the skilled boy; she had hoped some of his work would have been ruined.

"I don't like leaving it in there. And you never know, we might need it during the day."

They managed to successfully get the bag fixed together, but Silvia had been hit by another great idea. She muttered the same spell under her breath, and laughed loudly when Sirius swore again as his bag fell to pieces.

"You don't seem to be having much luck there do you boys?" She flung her hair over one shoulder, and bent down to 'help'.

"Oh, hey Silvia!" Remus said brightly.

She assumed that the old parchment that Remus had quickly gotten hold of last time was important. It was probably an essay of some sort, so Silvia decided to muster all her cunning and delve into a little pick pocketing.

"Hi Remus, Sirius." She nodded to each, and was sure to keep the bitterness out of her voice when she said Black's name.

"Thanks Silvia." Black gave her an exasperated smile when she passed him a sheaf of parchment along with a bottle of ink.

"Don't worry about it. Why don't you try not overloading your bag for once?" She stood up, and shared a smile with Remus.

"It's not even like his bag is stuffed with books though, what _do_ you have in there Sirius?"

"Hardly anything! Stupid bag." He continued muttering to himself.

"Stuffed with Dung bombs right?" Silvia forced a laugh, remembering one of the tips in the book. _Lull them into a false sense of security_, in other words, do not arouse suspicion by acting like the scorned ex girlfriend.

"Probably!" Remus laughed with her. "Not exactly big on book carrying are you Black?"

Sirius just grunted moodily.

"Speaking of books… how's that light reading going?" Silvia asked the tall blonde boy.

"Pretty good." He grinned and winked knowingly at her. "I've found numerous spells on how to see in the dark and how to make my foot steps silent."

Silvia shook her head. "Amateur stuff." She tutted, echoing James's words from earlier. "Learnt that in my first year."

"Really?"

She smiled, "How else would I be able to get to the kitchen in the middle of the night? You guys aren't the only pranksters around you know. I think Sirius's hair this morning proves that."

He laughed, "You're right. What do you say Black, you up for some competition?"

Sirius, who was now trying to stick his bag together with his wand, said something unintelligible. Silvia looked questionably at Remus who just shrugged.

"Do you have any idea who did it?" She asked innocently.

"Nah, could be anyone, couldn't it? If half the school is pranksters like you say they are."

Sirius scoffed. "What other pranksters? It must have been some love potion gone horribly wrong."

"Love potion? Really?" She couldn't stop the words tumbling out of her mouth. His ego was just too massive!

But Sirius misunderstood her words, "Yeah, the levels some girls will stoop to are crazy." He straightened and shot her a smug smile.

She glowered at him, and grabbed the bag out of his hands. She muttered _Repairo_ then shoved it back.

"Well hopefully more will backfire as dramatically as that. I better get to Runes. See you later Remus." She deliberately paused, "Sirius."

She turned and stalked down the corridor, trying to shake the feeling of Black getting under her skin and annoying her to the core. She'd like to see that smug smile wiped off his face once and for all. And that day would be coming soon because her, Lily, Cassie and Michelle.

She heard Sirius and Remus talking as she walked away, and even in hushed tones she still made out their words.

"How come you two are so friendly?" Sirius asked.

"We met once in a…"

Her stomach plummeted as she knew Remus would now be spilling all about her awful break down in the library. Then Sirius would but two and two together and…

"In a dark place." He finished.

"_Moony!_ You sly dog!"

"Not like _that_ Padfoot you perv!"

"Whatever you say…"

Their voices faded away and Silvia smiled lightly as she felt the parchment under her robes.

Little acts of Sabotage could go a long way.

****

Cassie was sat in Charms watching Sirius joke with James in front of her. She, too, had been rather angry about the turn of events involving his hair.

She absently tapped her quill against her cheek, causing her parchment to become covered in black ink drops. An idea quickly flitted across her mind, and she tore off a corner of the parchment.

"_Girls. Let's make today the worst day of Blackmail's life. Staring now. Currently in Charms with the idiot. Expect lots of yelling and shouting from Flitwick's classroom. Cassie."_

She tapped the note and muttered a spell she had learnt from _Student Spells 101_ which made the note vanish silently. It would appear in front of the three other girls where ever they may be.

Lily was the first to reply. _"Is that such a good idea? Silvia said to meet in the Library after dinner."_

Michelle's answer was short and simple, written in elegant curly writing._ "Have fun!"_

And finally Silvia, _"Amazing idea! Don't listen to Lily. I know she'll have said something against it. I've already been annoying him in corridors with broken bags."_

When Professor Flitwick's back was turned, she whipped out her wand, and silently managed to get Sirius's ink pot to spill over.

"Ahh! James you idiot! Watch it!"

A few minutes later their Professor had announced that they would be practicing moving objects around at top speed. Cassie had a hard time trying to prevent a wide grin sitting on her pretty face.

Needless to say, within five minutes Sirius had lumps forming all over his head. Every time he yelled or looked around suspiciously, Cassie would keep her wand in the air, and pretend to be controlling another inanimate object.

When a small rock found itself bouncing off Sirius's forehead he spun around, furious. His face was red and his eyes were surprisingly dark.

"Alright! Ha ha! It's all very funny! Jokes over everyone! STOP IT!"

Cassie flicked her wand under the desk, and Professor Flitwick's board rubber came flying towards him. It smashed into his face, then fell to the floor, leaving a large white chalk mark over his flushed skin.

"THAT'S IT! WHO IS IT?!"

"Sirius calm down!" James tugged at his sleeve.

"Mr Black! If you cannot control your temper you can come back tomorrow for detention!"

"I'm trying sir but someone keeps…" The board rubber rose back up and hit him in the face yet again.

"STOP IT!!!" He picked up the board rubber and waved it at the class threateningly. "I SWEAR IF I CATCH YOU I WILL FU-"

"Mr Black! Leave my classroom! I will NOT tolerate that behaviour!"

Cassie found it gratifying how his face became twisted and terribly unattractive when he was mad.

****

"Two part frog spawn, one part newt tongue! Just one Miss Love!" Slughorn tutted over Michelle's friend's caldron. Michelle was carefully chopping up her frog's liver, and praying that Slughorn would hurry up and leave their table. He eventually did, after peering into her own green bubbling mixture which did not resemble the book's description at all.

He had to leave however, because Sirius and James had decided to sabotage Severus's potion, which was now bubbling over uncontrollably. "ONE part newt tongue!" Slughorn bellowed as he bustled off.

Grasping the opportunity, she grabbed her quill and scribbled a note to Cassie. _"I don't know what you did to him last lesson, but I'm with him in Potions now. He's in a foul mood and is taking it out on Severus Snape. I must congratulate you, he's even been snapping at James!! I'm going to cause a bit of mayhem myself now. I'll tell you about it later."_

She tapped it with her wand hurriedly, as Slughorn returned to her desk.

"Now, Miss Parker, I think you perhaps added the tongue in too late. Let's see if this will work…"

All the while Slughorn pestered her, Michelle mulled over her plan. Finally he left and she turned to her friend Marina Love.

"Hey Marina, you'll never guess what I heard!"

"What?"

"I know for a fact that Sirius told Janie who told Melissa who told Katie who told _me,"_ she paused for breath, "That he has been thinking about asking you to go out with him on the next Hogsmeade trip!"

The girl, as expected, flushed a bright pink. "Really?"

"Yes!" _No_ Michelle thought. But if you threw some random figures or names at the stupid girl she would believe anything.

"Should I go talk to him?"

"Yes!"

"Okay!"

The girl walked over and quickly engaged Sirius in a conversation. Michelle made sure Slughorn was busy with other student and then she wandered over to Snape's desk.

"Hi Severus." He jumped at her voice.

"Michelle. What do you want?" He was to the point, no messing around.

"I've been watching what Sirius has been doing to you this lesson. It hasn't been very nice _at all_. And seeing as you are amazing at Potions I was wondering if you could help me get a little revenge."

She wasn't surprised to see Snape nod his head. Everyone knew about the rivalry between him and the four boys, or more precisely, him and Potter. Sirius just liked to add to the fun.

"What are you after?"

Michelle smiled and leaned on his desk. "Maybe something to get his caldron to explode in his face… make his fingers fall off… something that _isn't_ easily removed or reversed."

Snape narrowed his eyes. "Why do you want to do this? I thought all the girls adore him?"

"Not all of us." She snapped. "Now will you help me or not?"

Although he was still suspicious, Snape grabbed a handful of what looked like black pebbles from his bag.

"Drop three of these in. Leave it five minutes, and then drop in the fourth. After you've done that you better _run_."

She took the pebbles and grinned. "Thanks Severus. Enjoy the fireworks."

Michelle went over to the desk that Marina and Sirius were talking at. Behind his head she winked at her friend, and gestured that they go over into a quiet corner. Even though the girl was gullible, she was quick to pick up on hints.

As she led Sirius away, Michelle watched James add random things into his own caldron.

"James, you know you just put cat eye in that right? And this is essence of… cabbage not cariole." She laughed.

James raked a hand through messy black hair. He took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes. "I'm so shattered I seriously have no idea what I'm doing anymore."

Michelle could sympathise with that. "I've given up on mine. Slughorn came and fixed it, so I'm not touching it. I know anything I do will just make it worse."

She took the time while he was distracted, his vision impaired from no glasses, to slip the three black pebbles into Sirius's mixture. She carried on talking to him for a while, and together they attempted to salvage what was left of his potion to make it relatively normal.

She saw Marina walk away from Sirius out of the corner of her eye. He was coming towards them, so Michelle slipped the last pebble in while pretending to pick up James's essence of cabbage.

"I can't believe you put this in! Anyway, I better get back to my own potion. Good luck!" And she sped away to the safety of her own desk.

Michelle glanced over at Snape, who was hiding a smirk. Sirius said something to James, and picked up his wooden spoon to stir the contents. The Hufflepuff held her breath.

As soon as his spoon touched the liquid, a loud POP echoed around the room. Then a blue mist crept up out of his caldron, and suddenly engulfed the startled boy. His eyes widened, and he began to cough. The blue mist thickened and turned into a hazy fog that seemed to cling to Sirius's skin.

"BLACK!" Slughorn bellowed, racing over to the poor boy's desk. "WHY ON EARTH DID YOU PUT BLUEBON BEANS IN YOUR POTION?!"

Sirius could not answer, he was coughing too hard.

Slughorn waved his wand a few times, and the blue mist evaporated.

But dear Sirius's skin was no longer a nice flesh colour.

Spluttered giggles broke out across the room, which then turned into loud laughter, which transformed into a room full of howling students.

"What! What's happened!" Sirius asked frantically.

"Padfoot," James managed to gasp out, "Mate, you're BLUE!"

And he gave into a helpless fit of laughter.

****

**Que the bad jokes of 'Sirius BLUE'**

**Go on then, make me dance and be the first to review! :)  
**


	4. More Sabotage

**Sorry it's been ages! My computer exploded and lost all my files, so this is now a completely start from-scratch version, all completed at 00.37**

**_I'd hit him with my car if he wouldn't make body casts a fashion statement._**

**_

* * *

_**

"So." Silvia leaned forward over the library table. They were back in their secluded corner, but they could still hear waves of spluttered laughter coming from where a still very blue Sirius was being avoided by any girl in the room.

"So I've been thinking about loopholes. Boys can't get into any of the girls' dorms can they? But have you ever read about a girl being stopped from entering into one of the boys' dorms?"

Michelle cocked an eyebrow, "That's well known knowledge Silvia. But how does it relate to Sirius? Unless you are planning on spending the night with him."

"Oh very funny." The Slytherin sneered. "But I was actually referring to getting into their rooms to cause general havoc."

"Like what?" Lily worried.

"Paint the walls, graffiti, maybe use their toothbrushes to scrub the toilet, leave notes."

"I like it." Cassie nodded, folding her small hands on the table. Her little eyes were bright with revenge. "But we need to make sure they know that it is an attack on just Sirius."

"Yes that is the problem." Silvia agreed. "The others will obviously be disrupted, but the main focus is Black."

"But how can we sneak you all into our common room and Dorm?" Lily asked, and instantly regretted speaking as three sets of eyes locked onto her. "Oh no, no no!"

* * *

_It's for the girls. It's for girls everywhere. It's to stop the pig, so just get over your fears you coward._ Lily gulped as she made her way across the common room that was lit up with the dying embers from the fire. It was late, and the only ones left on the plush sofas were Potter, Lupin, Black, and that little Peter.

"Hey boys, fancy a mug of hot chocolate before bed?"

Potter's eyes lit up, and she felt her stomach sink a little. This wasn't going to feel good. Remus reached a hand and thanked her much more than necessary. Peter followed suit, and Sirius just gazed grumpily at her.

"Evans, you're supposed to be smart! Why won't this dye come off!"

She grinned, "As much as Potter likes to think, I don't have all the answers. Have a drink."

He sighed and gulped her concoction down. "But why _blue?_"

"Would you have preferred to be green?" Remus laughed.

"Oh yes, that would have made your eyes really pop!" James jumped out of the way as Sirius tried to land a punch.

"Just don't wear a white hat okay?" Lily laughed as she strolled back up to her dorm. It would take about half an hour for her sleeping draught to work, and then she wouldn't have to worry about any of them waking up during her handi-work. She had left chocolates on their beds just in case they realised they had been drugged and suspected her.

Once she made it up to her room, she jumped from fright. Jodie was standing by the door with black stripes down her face, a black beanie, and black clothes.

"Jodie what are you doing? You look like a burglar!"

"I'm helping you Lily! It sounds fun! Let me help, please?" She pouted and Lily grinned, she wasn't looking forward to doing this operation alone. The group had decided it was too risky to try and smuggle the three of them past the loud fat lady, so Lily was going to be facing a solo mission without Jodie.

An hour later, Lily snuck downstairs to check that the boys had succumbed to the sleep and gone to their dorms. The plan would not work if their targets were not in their correct places.

The pair crepted to the boys' dorm. Lily hesitated at the door, still cautious about an alarm. She didn't have long to think though, as Jodie pushed past her and began setting up in the middle of the room.

She unzipped a large bag filled with spray cans, various cleaning products with the words CORROSIVE in large bold writing. Jodie then picked up a white can and set to work on the walls. Lily grinned, this would actually be fun.

* * *

An age later, Lily was just putting the finishing touches in the bathroom when Jodie hissed to her, "Let's levitate them!"

"What?" The head girl hissed back.

"Yeah! We can put Peter on top of his bed, put Remus under his bed, and James in bed with him!"

"You my friend, are evil."

Lily managed to levitate Remus easily under Sirius's bed, while Jodie has trouble getting Peter to not hit the ceiling. The redhead began levitating James, and finally got him under the covers with Sirius while trying to hold back insane laughter. She thunked him down too heavily however, resulting in a large snort from the boy. One eye cracked open, and a sleepy voice croaked, "Lily?"

She froze. Too far away from the door to run, and too visible to hide, she had no options. _Shit! _

Thinking on her feet, she smiled at him. Her voice became soft and sickly sweet. "James, darling, sleep well."

She edged closer to him and pushed a loose curl off his forehead. His eyes widened for a second, and Lily prayed he would take the bait. Then his expression soften, and he shuffled closer to Sirius, who snored slightly louder from the contact.

"Brilliant!" Jodie whispered across the room. "I was sure we were busted!"

Sirius let out another snore, and Jodie stuffed one hand in her mouth. She gathered up their stuff, and fled. Lily stayed a moment longer, checking they left no clue to their identity, and followed her friend swiftly out of the room.

* * *

James was woken by a loud BANG. His eyes sprung open. His senses were all battered at once. There was a funny smell in the room, and a horrid taste in his mouth. He wasn't in the right place in their dorm. Everything looked weird from this angle. Then there was the feeling of something under his hand. His arm was spread over something hard. It was fleshy and moved.

His gaze shifted to his left, and realised his arm was thrown over his best friends _naked_ back. And that was when he screamed.

Sirius woke up startled, saw him lying far too close, and yelled as well. With one almighty shove from the so called friend, he was thrown onto the floor. Another BANG sounded, but nearer this time. James lay on the floor next to the bed, and yelled again as one thin hand grabbed his leg. He struggled backwards, pulling the hand with him. It emerged from under the bed. First an arm, then a back, then... _Remus?_

Remus, who was pissing himself laughing. "You. Should. Have. Seen. Your. FACE!" He spluttered.

"What the hell were you doing under Sirius's bed?"

"What the hell were you doing IN my bed Prongs!"

"And what the bloody hell was I doing on top of your stupid four poster bed!" Peter whined from the other side of the bed.

The three of the stared at Wormtail, then looked up. _Did he fall?_

"Moony is it possible for us all to sleepwalk?" James scrabbled around for his glasses.

"Well somehow I don't think we did this." Remus was stood up, staring all around Sirius's bed.

The wall it was on was covered in graffiti, mainly drawings of all the boys, but Sirius had the biggest head with a speech bubble saying, 'I'm a smurf'. Above the door was written, "Mind your ego's boys." And all their drawers were thrown open, and a tower of boxers was in the centre of the room.

"Oh man," Sirius sighed, "I hate people touching my stuff!"

James followed Remus into the bathroom where the sickly clean smell was coming from. The bath had been filled to the brim with clear liquid, but from the empty bottles thrown around, it was defiantly not water. Flower petals were laid on the top of the poisonous liquid and a message was written all over the mirror.

"_Dear Marauders. It has come to our attention that many people have grown tired of your annoying ways. To school you into growing up, we will use Black as our lovely volunteer. This week you have learnt to always keep clean and wash your hair. Another lesson has been to always pay attention to your studies. And lastly, you really need to air your room out. It STINKS. Have a nice bath, and we do not apologise for any inconvenience caused. Ps, I wouldn't use your toothbrushes_."

Remus reached over and snatched Peter's out of his hand.

"Oh no!" Sirius's voice floated in. "They've inked my face!"

He came running into the bathroom, and in the harsh light James saw thick round glasses blacked around his eyes. As soon as he stepped foot into the bathroom, a klaxon sounded, and smoke bombs and eggs appeared out of nowhere above his head. Wounded cries filled the air.

An eggy, powered, blue, inked Padfoot stared up at them mournfully. Anger flashed in his eyes.

"Whoever they are, I'm going to kill them!"

A note floated down with a last rotten egg. Remus caught it and Sirius rolled to the side to dodge the egg, but like a heat seeking missile it had locked onto him. This was no amateur stuff. It cracked him right on the head, and he groaned.

Remus unfolded the note and read: "Tell the smurf to mind where he walks."

Then James sat down on the floor, and laughed til he cried.

* * *

**Review for faster chapters and a poor blue Sirius?**


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